Float

How you make an elephant float? Combine ice cream, root beer, and an elephant in a large glass. #lamejoke 

Hike

Knock knock. Who's there? Hike. Hike who? Unsuspecting you. Tim waiting with bated breath. Sets the perfect trap. #lamejoke

Tail

Which animal has the nicest tail? Asking for a fur-end. #lamejoke

Hammock

I was recently coaxed into buying a hammock. What can I say, I’m easily swayed. #lamejoke 

Furniture

I told my wife I would go a whole day without making furniture puns. Sofa, so good. #lamejoke 

Museum

We walked by the Museum of Civil War Medicine yesterday. I told my wife, "I bet some people would give their right arm to get in there."​ #lamejoke 

Cow

On my way to work this morning, I yelled COW! at a woman riding a bicycle. She gave me the middle finger. told me to f*ck off, and...then plowed into the cow. #lamejoke

Pennies

I listened to a guy for an hour talk about how his watch can magically produce pennies out of nothing. I had a really hard time believing him at first, but, by the end of his rant, it made sense. #lamejoke 

Wife

Joey’s ex-wife still misses him. But her aim is improving. #lamejoke

Eggs

In the annual competition between poached and scrambled eggs to see which is better, poached are still unbeaten. #lamejoke

Mattresses

If a King sleeps on a king mattress, and a Queen sleeps on a queen mattress, what does a Prince sleep on? An heir mattress. #lamejoke

Housekeeping

Imagine my confusion when I saw a job posting for light housekeeping. There aren’t even any large bodies of water for hundreds of miles. #lamejoke

Carts

This economy is sad. I just saw an elderly man collecting carts outside the local supermarket. He must have been pushing 80. #lamejoke 

Bee

Why the British bee was thrown out of the house? He didn’t beehive. #lamejoke 

Horn

The car horn specialist at the dealership told me a very important and valuable lesson. He said, “Beep repaired.” #lamejoke